2011 will be remembered as the year my view of life and how I had it all organized was turned upside down, taken apart and put back together . ...which usually means a lot of growth, pain and joy are involved.
We are walking a path of ambiguity and uncertainty. It has been such a journey... oh my. And, we are still in the middle of it, with far to go.
So here goes...
We are walking a path of ambiguity and uncertainty. It has been such a journey... oh my. And, we are still in the middle of it, with far to go.
So here goes...
Our oldest son is coming to terms with the fact that he has a condition called Aspergers Syndrome...
We have kept this under wraps...trying to protect him from the "label" and from being treated differently by others.
But, we had to note this condition on his mission papers. And after doing this his mission papers were sent back to our bishop with a request to go into the missionary department for an evaluation. Which we did...After getting the results of the evaluation back, the papers were sent back to our Bishop and Stake President with a recommendation to "wait and re-evaluate." Ouch.
So, the past 6 months or so have been so ...... such an interesting time.
But, we had to note this condition on his mission papers. And after doing this his mission papers were sent back to our bishop with a request to go into the missionary department for an evaluation. Which we did...After getting the results of the evaluation back, the papers were sent back to our Bishop and Stake President with a recommendation to "wait and re-evaluate." Ouch.
So, the past 6 months or so have been so ...... such an interesting time.
At times I have felt we have been thrown into a black hole, lost and alone, the life plan de-railed. But, more often I have felt comfort and peace...and hope...my burdens somehow lifted, even though I don't have a clue what course Eric will take.
And it is excruciatingly painful to watch your child hurt and suffer.... ...yet again.
I could write a book about the journey we 've been on since Eric "changed" at about age 18 months. He was this adorable little boy with blue eyes and blonde hair, full of life and joy. I felt no mother loved her baby more than me.
Then at 18 months or so, he changed. He lost the words he was beginning to speak, withdrew from us, sat on the couch for hours with glazed eyes and sort of disappeared........ for awhile. But, then he came back....as loving and as connected to me as he had ever but different. He was more emotional, quit communicating, and just had a very very hard time with the daily things of life. It was harder for him to "process" anything new, changes in plans, etc."
So, we began a journey full of many many small miracles, amazing people who have loved our Son and helped bring him out of wherever he had gone and then move him rapidly forward. Eric has been blessed....and I have spent hours...really.... praying and crying over him. But, he is ok! I feel that he has progressed to the point where he is almost ok...or does my motherly bias cloud my reasoning?
I have learned so much. Yes, in a way I would rather not have learned.... But, I have been tried, tested, and refined...taught greater tenderness and compassion. I have learned to rely on my Heavenly Father..I have been humbled frequently to my knees as I faced all kinds of situations.
Then at 18 months or so, he changed. He lost the words he was beginning to speak, withdrew from us, sat on the couch for hours with glazed eyes and sort of disappeared........ for awhile. But, then he came back....as loving and as connected to me as he had ever but different. He was more emotional, quit communicating, and just had a very very hard time with the daily things of life. It was harder for him to "process" anything new, changes in plans, etc."
So, we began a journey full of many many small miracles, amazing people who have loved our Son and helped bring him out of wherever he had gone and then move him rapidly forward. Eric has been blessed....and I have spent hours...really.... praying and crying over him. But, he is ok! I feel that he has progressed to the point where he is almost ok...or does my motherly bias cloud my reasoning?
I have learned so much. Yes, in a way I would rather not have learned.... But, I have been tried, tested, and refined...taught greater tenderness and compassion. I have learned to rely on my Heavenly Father..I have been humbled frequently to my knees as I faced all kinds of situations.
I know no one likes to hear a person whine about their hardships. We all have them. It doesn't help to whine. So, we've rarely talked about this with anyone. We've put our trust in our Heavenly Father. And he has blessed us every step of the way.
We don't know whether or not we made the right decision by telling Eric very little about his condition. He is sort of angry with us right now..... He knew he was different. He had a hard time connecting with other people and has never had a real friend since he was in 3rd grade. He had a lot of questions and so did we and so we didn't talk about it a lot because the answers were very hard to find. Today, really only in the past 5 years or so, Doctors have learned so so much more about this condition. Before that, despite 3 different evaluations, we didn't know exactly what label to put on this.
We just wanted him to be treated like everyone else. We pushed him as hard as we could. And, I think that served him well. He had to work very hard , but he was a good student, graduating with a high GPA. He excelled in music, playing the piano very well and participating in the choir, show choir, musicals etc. He has been the model son achieving success in everything he pursued. He was the soloist in his show choir on tour, scored superiors in Vocal competitions, and more. He is an Eagle Scout and a seminary graduate. He makes us so proud and has set such a great example for his younger brothers.
Then went on to BYUI where he did well (3.6 GPA his first semester) and participated in Men's Chorus and a student directed show choir on campus. I think he had a good experience. He is really almost ok. Or does my motherly bias cloud my reasoning?
We just wanted him to be treated like everyone else. We pushed him as hard as we could. And, I think that served him well. He had to work very hard , but he was a good student, graduating with a high GPA. He excelled in music, playing the piano very well and participating in the choir, show choir, musicals etc. He has been the model son achieving success in everything he pursued. He was the soloist in his show choir on tour, scored superiors in Vocal competitions, and more. He is an Eagle Scout and a seminary graduate. He makes us so proud and has set such a great example for his younger brothers.
Then went on to BYUI where he did well (3.6 GPA his first semester) and participated in Men's Chorus and a student directed show choir on campus. I think he had a good experience. He is really almost ok. Or does my motherly bias cloud my reasoning?
I had hoped that this would just be a small issue and not disrupt his life too much. Because I like to say that he has just a "breath of Aspergers!" It is only a whisper.... Atleast that is what I have hoped for ! I guess I will never stop hoping ...or praying.... or crying(sometimes)
In fact, I really don't look at this like it is a disability but rather a condition. He is not broken. He is whole and complete, not LESS than anyone else. He is just wired differently. His unique perspective of the world could be a strength and help others see things they never thought of. His ability to think "outside the box" could be a very marketable skill someday.
And so when he accomplished atleast what I hoped for in many ways in highschool and then in his first semester of college, I had hope that this little thing called "Aspergers Sydrome," would not prevent him from continuing down the set course of life... to go to college, go on a mission, return to college, find a wonderful girl to marry and continue forward.
But, we have hit a bump.. It is a big one. And now we face that uncertainty that I dreaded and mourned over when he was three.
And it is amazing how alone we feel at time in it. Heavenly Father has lifted our hearts... blessed us so much. But, I admit I feel so alone. We are as usual walking down a path of uncertainty. We don't have a clue where we will end up. We are having to create our own plan to get somewhere.
I have learned that there are many ways to serve in the Lord's kingdom. When the time for re-evaluation comes, there may be another way for Eric to serve. And that will be as good and worthy as a regular full time mission in the eyes of our Heavenly Father. Reality says, it won't be in the eyes of almost everyone else. There will be those who look on it as less...and pity Eric. Oh well.... can't worry about that. The truth of it is that Heavenly Father will look on his good service with the same appreciation as any other missionary's.
I have learned to have greater faith in the face of uncertainty. I have learned to not dwell on the problems but keep my thoughts on all things positive.
I have learned more about the enemy of our souls...and how much he would like to take my entire family down with him. I have learned more about the importance of putting on my armour and being ready for a fight. He knows that right about now would be a good time to kick us...and make us feel alone and unworthy for who knows what...just make us feel really discouraged and alone.
I have gained greater compassion. However, sometimes when I review the myriad of challenges I have faced over the past 20 years and all of the disappointments I have handled I want to say to my Heavenly Father, "really? Ok.... I think I get this..really you have more for me?"
Daily prayer. Daily feasting on the scriptures. Frequent temple attendance. All those good habits that sustain us kick in especially now.
The biggest challenge by far that we face is how to get Eric to come to terms with all of this. That is by far the most frightening and discouraging part of all of this. And we are miles away from doing that.
Just have to keep my own head and heart together over this.
...so grateful for my husband, partner, and best friend, who has patiently and with faith walked this journey with me, both of us supporting each other no matter what. ....We have walked almost every night together this past summer. And, that is a good thing to do right now. It is like taking a mini vacation together every night. And, we have needed that .... to clear our heads, heal each other's hearts and pick up and keep moving forward.
There are some bad days..... some days that I get really scared...and then hurt and then angry. So, we are in the middle of this trial... hanging in there, hoping with work, prayer, faith and patience this will be resolved in the best possible way for our precious son Eric ..who has always desired to be perfectly obedient. He is kind, humble, meek.... very unselfish, always offering to help..expresses love through word and action often each and every day. I can only hope and pray that the Lord is especially aware of him and has a plan for HIM!
So there you have it. This is a "coming out" post. Now the truth is known. It is a sort of cathartic experience. Not sure if I will post this just yet. I will have to think on that.
There are some bad days..... some days that I get really scared...and then hurt and then angry. So, we are in the middle of this trial... hanging in there, hoping with work, prayer, faith and patience this will be resolved in the best possible way for our precious son Eric ..who has always desired to be perfectly obedient. He is kind, humble, meek.... very unselfish, always offering to help..expresses love through word and action often each and every day. I can only hope and pray that the Lord is especially aware of him and has a plan for HIM!
So there you have it. This is a "coming out" post. Now the truth is known. It is a sort of cathartic experience. Not sure if I will post this just yet. I will have to think on that.
No comments:
Post a Comment