Stay By The Tree

Monday, July 10th, 2017  6:28 am

Yesterday Steve and I spoke in church.

It was a blessing.       Serving is a blessing.       I enjoyed, treasured, needed to feel the spirit directing me as I prepared the talk.     My preparation was easy, the things I needed to share just seems to flow. It was the right topic for me, something dear to my heart.  Repentance..  renewal....  Becoming, growing and blooming as children of God.  

-best sacrament mtg of the year
-one woman who was visiting said that my talk was an answer to her prayers.   She was in tears.  

anyway.. we received a lot of compliments.   It is nice to know one can make a difference and help others.    

Steve spoke on PRIDE, the universal sin.    He has such a handsome voice and knows how to put his words together so well.    I love to listen to him.    


I am grateful for the opportunity to serve.   I LOVE teaching the Sunbeams primary.  They are such a bright spot in my life.   I look forward to being with them every week and they come running to me.  First and foremost, I wanted to be a mother.   I wanted to love and shape precious little people.  I am grateful I can still do this at this stage of the game.      


I must strive to stay by the tree.      For a little while now, I lost the spirit.  I prayed to have it back.   What did I do to lose it?      All I can say I was spiraling down, struggling.   My faith flickered (not by testimony but my confidence in the Lord-- confidence in myself--) the heavenly connection was gone.    I cannot do this life without my Heavenly Father and Savior beside me.       I will strive to keep the spirit with me.  I will work at trusting in my Heavenly Father in my circumstance.  

I must say that never before have I felt such anguish right before I was about to speak than I did yesterday.   I was so deeply sad.   I am usually so excited right before giving a talk.   (I am ready!  Prepared!  Filled with the spirit!  Anxious to serve and share!)  But,  I was so sad.    We had left Jacob at home (Jacob is struggling right now)  What more can I do?   What is there to do?   My heart breaks, I feel I have no control or influence.   There are many reasons for feeling this way.  I am losing heart over my family.    It is the saddest thing I have ever experienced.    I have prayed for many years.  

As I finished up my talk, I found myself on my knees, crying, asking Father in Heaven to be with me.  I poured out my heart, told him all that I was feeling.    

The anguish I felt sitting on the stand waiting to give my talk was this:   The closer I am to God and the more I love the Gospel and know it is true, the more pain I feel in watching my children's struggle.    

BUT--   let's look at the bright side ( so here I go)

Eric is still kind and good.    Though I feel his struggle, he is hanging in there.  

Joseph has met with his bishop twice just lately.   The bishop has challenged him to pray and he is.

Jonathan meets with the missionaries.  They are making a difference.   Jon has attended church twice in the past month.    He has met with the bishop in his singles ward and in our ward (Bishop Davis)  He is trying.

Michael is still willing to go to church and bless the sacrament.  Though he doesn't enjoy it and feels he has NO friends in our ward (and it is true..  there is no one his age :(     Why oh why?       Lots of beautiful girls have moved in..    no boys.  No one his age.    I am trying to help him

Jacob  is at a crossroads.   He has friends doing things they shouldn't.   He doesn't like anyone in our ward.    He likes some friends in other wards.   Why oh why?    So far, he is choosing the right.   The choices placed in front of him shake him up and cause him to want to get closer to the church.   But he struggles fiercely.   He says he doesn't believe.   Yet he feels drawn to the Gospel especially when he faces the dark world.    He sees the difference.    I am praying so hard for him ..... and all of my children.

Scott...  I sense I am losing him.   He is starting to separate from me.  I think this is developmentally appropriate for a boy of his age.    So not to worry right?    But, I do worry. I don't see him grasping and embracing the Gospel as I have in the past.  This worries me!  What is not happening?    He has many friends who aren't members of the church.    I think hanging out with them has made him a bit rough around the edges.  (not that he is swearing or doing anything wrong but his overall attitude isn't as tender, but maybe this is just him leaving behind his sweet childhood---  :(          

Steve....  so caught up in real estate, making money.  Is this wrong?    Maybe not.   But, he isn't with me either most of the time.    I have to invite him to pray every time.   He doesn't lead us.   His thoughts seem to be far from things of the spirit.    Etc. Etc.

I have felt so alone.   Alone in the struggle with so much opposition against my efforts.  I lost heart.   The spirit left me as well.    I began experiencing a faith crisis.   When I went to the temple last, I struggled feeling peace.     I have struggled to pray, to want to pray, to believe.    I have struggled to care much about any of the important things .. . and it has been awful, but I didn't know what to do.  Nothing helped.     Talk about scary.

So, what a blessing it was to speak in church and feel needed.    The Lord blessed and guided me.   Based on what people said to me, (all but one I didn't type here for fear of appearing boastful--) I made a difference.    And, that's nice.        Thank you Heavenly Father.     Stay by me.   Help me see.

If my reality needs to change so be it.     If my greatest work (raising a family) turns out to be very challenging and disappointing, so be it.    

BUT--  let's look on the bright side:     Look at the progress my children are making.    I must trust in the Lord.   I also must allow my children their agency and space to make their decisions.   I must always find ways to love  them ..show them in word and deed that I do.        

So Back to the title of this post:  STAY by the Tree

I must stay by the tree.     How will I do this in the face of so much opposition?     So much daily irritation and sorrow and so little love?      Well, I tell you this, when I prayed and asked the Lord, "What Lack I Yet?"  I received an answer:   it was,  "go to bed earlier."   And, just like the message in my talk, there was my customized revelation.   Simple.    I will obey that prompting and see what comes next.     I will get up earlier.   I will study the Gospel.   I will study the scriptures.    I will stay by the tree.