Reflections On the Past Few Years....

Whoa...  

It has been awhile since I visited this page.   Where have I been?  The other night at bedtime, I flipped through my journal and a couple of "learning journals" I keep.  I was able to look back on the past three years or so and reflect on how much of me is NEW, and how much I have learned.  

These three years have been a walk of brute faith, often walking blindly with many unanswered questions... So, when I flipped through my journals and saw page after page of lessons learned, it made it all the sweeter because I realized that Father had me in his hands the whole time. 

I have walked a private walked sharing with only a few.   And, walking hand in hand with my Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ.   Sometimes I have been on the ground crying at their feet, sometimes walking with my hand in their's, head down, tears streaming, and other times I have been walking beside them head up, looking forward.
    
I have learned of the sweetness and absolutely lifesaving effect of small simple acts of service.   The hug, the reassuring word, a compliment, going to lunch, laughter, compassionate listening and sharing absolutely helped me along my difficult journey.  Angels on earth and beyond the veil walked with me through my difficult days.  My testimony of God's awareness of me and my family has deepened more than I knew was possible.   When I saw this painting recently it captured my feelings so perfectly well. 




Have you ever heard that story about the sad little Current Bush that was cut down by the gardener?  

Elder Hugh B Brown, shares this story:

I was living up in Canada. I had purchased a farm. It was run-down. I went out one morning and saw a currant bush. It had grown up over six feet high. It was going all to wood. There were no blossoms and no currants. I was raised on a fruit farm in Salt Lake before we went to Canada, and I knew what ought to happen to that currant bush. So I got some pruning shears and went after it, and I cut it down, and pruned it, and clipped it back until there was nothing left but a little clump of stumps. It was just coming daylight, and I thought I saw on top of each of these little stumps what appeared to be a tear, and I thought the currant bush was crying. I was kind of simpleminded (and I haven’t entirely gotten over it), and I looked at it, and smiled, and said, “What are you crying about?” You know, I thought I heard that currant bush talk. And I thought I heard it say this: “How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. I was almost as big as the shade tree and the fruit tree that are inside the fence, and now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me, because I didn’t make what I should have made. How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.” That’s what I thought I heard the currant bush say, and I thought it so much that I answered. I said, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and some day, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down, for caring enough about me to hurt me. Thank you, Mr. Gardener.’”


This sums up how I have felt these past few years.   I have shared very little with anyone as I have trudged along.  For this reason, I even stopped blogging.  I became very private about my pain.  This is just how I coped.  



 It was an eye opening experience to go back and take a quick peek at the painful journey I have been on during the last few years.   And, I was surprised at the lessons I have learned.    I have truly been in a "laboratory of faith," where what I claim to believe has been tested and refined.   



From 2011 to June of 2012, we walked a very painful and trying journey with our wonderful son Eric.   He has a teeny weeny touch of Aspergers Syndrome and after 18 difficult, soul stretching months  he was finally allowed to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.    Here is the latest picture of him from last week's letter. (He is the blonde missionary)  He had 4 baptisms that weekend, one a young single adult (not pictured) and these 3 precious children.  (which seems to happen frequently.  One week he taught 30 lessons!)    He has been a wonderful humble missionary, who through the unique challenges of Aspergers Syndrome, learned very early in life to rely on his Heavenly Father. He is one of the most patient, loving, humble souls I know. Honest and obedient to the core. He has loved most of his companions but grew to love three of his companions to the "brother for life" stage.  (one of those companions is shown in the picture.) 

   
   

 




And, briefly because it is so hard for me to share...   We have had some other significant challenges that have been equally heartbreaking. Our next son, who is firm in his testimony  (nothing to do with worthiness) has been sort of lost for the past couple of years. After we got Eric off on his mission, a few months later, my husband lost his job.   Yes, lost his job!  We were so blessed during this time.   We were blessed with a sizeable severance package, had emergency savings in the bank, were out of debt, had our food storage in place.  We faithfully paid our tithing and fast offerings, and walked in faith.  Because of some real estate deals, money literally fell out of the sky not once but twice.  We were blessed beyond measure!  But, a job change like that was definitely unsettling and difficult.  After 6 months, my husband landed a new temporary job and then a few months later, he accepted a fabulous new job offer.  This job has required us to move out of state, away from our beloved Utah and many many dear friend and family.  But, we are grateful for our Heavenly Father's tender care.  We have yet to find out the meaning of this "divine intervention," of all of this change.  


We have felt change was coming for the last few years.    During this time, we began worrying about son #3.  Those worries have continued up until this day and we are not done yet!   Plus, I am learning not to retreat, but rather share.    So, I am working on that.   I am working on baring my soul to a few trusted friends.   I am learning the mutual comfort and healing of sharing burdens with others. 

.    

I admire people who share the good, the bad and the ugly on their blogs for all the world to see.    I guess I am not one of those people so far.     I am sorry to say that I have retreated more into myself than I ever have in all my life in the past three years and then after awhile, I just got out of the habit of coming here to keep our family history.    But, I hope now to get back to this habit.